The only thing stranger than marking Christmas as a religious celebration by installing a small conifer in your living room is the incredible diversity of ways people find of transporting the trees.
Police in Sudbury, Mass., spotted what looked like an enormous Douglas fir tree with a Mazda5 buried somewhere beneath it. They pulled the driver over, gave him a warning, helped him secure it and posted a photo on Twitter.
The "Case of the Mazda5 and the Sudbury Douglas Fir" is just one of this season's examples of Christmas tree negligence. A day later in Denver, cops spied a 16-foot tree on top of a Smart car. A similar scene was immortalized in Christmas Vacation when father Clark Griswold tried to take home a Redwood. Each yuletide season, motorists filled with the holiday spirit use a combination of twine, bubble gum and hope to fasten their trees to their cars. The American Automobile Association (AAA) last week released the results of a survey finding that "an estimated 20 million Americans who purchased a real Christmas tree in the last three years did not properly secure it to their vehicle, risking serious vehicle damage and dangerous road debris."
According to the AAA, damage can include scratched paint, torn door seals and distorted window frames. Improperly secured trees can also be a hazard to other drivers. Nothing says "The War on Christmas" quite as well as a seven-foot Scotch Pine hurling toward your windshield.
When it comes to Christmas tree negligence, there are two factors at work. Most folks embark on tree-shopping trips optimistically, filled with the holiday spirit. Subjects such as "tree-transport logistics" don't enter their minds. They arrive unprepared and buy a larger tree than they expected. The other cause is "annual amnesia," a phenomenon in which you learn a lesson – for instance, next time I buy a Christmas tree I'm going to bring strong rope or some nylon straps – but because you only do the activity once a year you forget, and therefore arrive at the tree lot and remember, "Oh yeah, I was supposed to bring strong rope." The cycle repeats itself.
Beyond bringing rope, there are tree tips you can follow. AAA suggests using an old blanket to protect your car from scratches, use a vehicle with a roof rack, tie the tree down with the trunk facing the front and give it the "tug test." Most importantly, drive slow and steadily.
Honestly, we shouldn't be surprised that so many people can't properly transport a Christmas tree. It seems as if no object too big or hazardous for drivers to try to affix to their roofs. Two weeks ago, I saw a guy moving a mattress on his car. He had a bungee cord stretched across it and was holding it down with one hand while steering with the other.
As is so often the case when it comes to automobiles, the consequences of carelessness can be grave. In the past four years, according to AAA, road debris caused more than "200,000 crashes that resulted in 39,000 injuries and 500 deaths." They concluded that "about two-thirds of debris-related crashes are the result of improperly secured items falling from a vehicle."
I go to the same lot each year. It's close to my house and I pay the guy five bucks to put the tree on my minivan for me. Nothing puts me in the holiday spirit like paying someone so I don't have to do something. It's, "Do unto others, so you don't have to do it." Besides, I'm saving myself. I need to keep all my profanity-laced tirades and frustration for trying to put the damn thing up in the living room.
Andrew Clark