Shoppers look for their car in a packed parking lot on the last weekend before Christmas at West Edmonton Mall.JASON FRANSON/The Globe and Mail
It was a quiet Thursday morning in mid-December and the shops in Sherway Gardens, an upscale mall in Toronto's west end, would not open for another 15 minutes.
The 6,000-space parking lot was already filling up. I was there to observe the Christmas parking season, a time when consumers celebrate by dinging each other's cars without leaving a note.
These drivers, here on Thursday morning, were the planners, trying to get their shopping done before the rush. These are the kind of people who bring an umbrella when the sky looks grey. (As for the kind of people who bring raincoats, they already bought all their presents on Amazon in November.)
Most of us are not among them.
That's why Christmas parking – Christmas driving in general – is some of the worst of the year. It's Yuletide irony. The season of peace, love and goodwill to all becomes the season of road rage, despair and frustration. By the end of the day, the melee is already under way. At 6:30 p.m., the lot is filling up. Drivers circle searching for a "good spot" the way sharks pursue their prey.
These next few days will see Christmas parking hit a nightmarish peak. The winter solstice triggers a deluge of frenetic driving. Here's a quick quiz to see if you're ready.
1) Each December what does "Ebe-Meter" Scrooge do?
a) Charges Edmontonians extra to park downtown after noon.
b) Sings Silent Night as he deposits tickets on the windshields of Calgarians who double park.
c) Shows drivers in Halifax the ghosts of Christmas Parking Past.
d) Tops up expired meters in downtown Regina.
2) What will Christmas drivers learn when they call 416-256-PARK?
a) That the true meaning of Christmas is actually "Do unto others and then split."
b) How many spaces are free at Yorkdale.
c) That on the 12th Day of Christmas my true love finally gave up trying to find parking within walking distance of Nordstroms.
d) That the fastest and easiest thing to do is take the 504 streetcar to the Christmas Market at the Distillery District.
3) It's time to stop looking for a spot when…
a) You think you're following the Star of Bethlehem but it turns out to be a street light.
b) You try to keep your passengers in the Christmas spirit by reminding them how the Angel told the Joseph, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."
c) You mistake the RIDE spot-check for valet parking.
d) All of the above.
4) The number on the electric sign outside the parking garage tells you:
a) The number of spots that are occupied on each level.
b) The number of available spots on each level.
c) The precise number of seconds you have left before you completely lose it.
5) You return from shopping to find your car now has a brand-new mysterious dent. There's no note. No explanation how it got there. It's at this time that it's best to remember the Christmas saying:
a) It's better to give than to receive.
b) Peace on Earth. Good will to all (this does not include cars).
c) Do unto others. Then split.
Answers:
1 d, 2 b, 3 d, 4 c, 5 a
Your score:
5 – Yuletide Road Warrior
4 – Santa's Little Parker
3 – Merry Mediocre
2 – Xmas Xanax
1 – Next year, Amazon.
Andrew Clark